When I found out…
Okay, so…. anyone who knows me in person knows how much I’ve always wanted a big family. Literally right when Eli turned six months, maybe even earlier than that, I already wanted to try for another baby. Unfortunately that was something Fitz and I couldn’t do because I was still in nursing school, we were NOT even close to being financially ready, we were still living with his parents, and it just was not the right time. Eli had just turned two when I graduated nursing school and he was just a little less than two and half when I passed the boards and landed my very first nursing job, which is were I am currently working at right now.
So let’s rewind back to the end of January 2020. I had major baby fever. I feel like I always do, but the intensity of it comes in waves. Fitz and I finally decided to sit down and calm myself, lol. We decided we weren’t going to try till July because when I initially got my job, I had three months to apply for short term disability, but didn’t because I didn’t know and I was absentminded about the whole thing so I missed that opportunity. In the event that I would get pregnant, before July, I wouldn’t have enough PTO and I wouldn’t have short term, meaning I would have to take FMLA, meaning no money or income for us, well atleast coming for me, for atleast 2-3 months, which was just not ideal for us. So July it was. That was the big ol’ plan.
Around the last week of January, I should have been getting my period, but it never came. My boobs started hurting (sorry but this is my blog, I can practice TMI as much as I want lol) and it was just a lot more sore than my usual period boob soreness, plus it was also lingering for a while, which was super odd. I decided to take pregnancy test. BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Not even a single hint of faint line. So I said, okay whatever. Let’s go. The next day, was my really good friend’s birthday. We went out. Got tacos. I drank some alcohol. Maybe more than one glass. Cool.
February comes along. Still no period. Just to add, my cycle is regularly irregular, meaning I have an irregular cycle (my period comes every 35-45 days which is not the normal cycle), but it comes regularly. I don’t usually “miss” a period even though my cycle is super long. I thought, okay maybe this time my cycle is 45 days instead of 35. Deep inside me, I had a feeling I was pregnant. I feel like you kind of just know, especially when you know your own body, and I felt the same symptoms with Eli when I found out. IT IS ALL ABOUT THE BOOBS! But when I saw that negative line, it changed my mind, but at the same time I was a little confused. Like why were my boobs hurting so bad and why is the pain CONSTANT!
Fast forward to February 5th. I had worked the night before and was working also the night of 2/5. Period still hasn’t showed up. I usually leave for work around 6, it was 4:30, I’m getting ready for work, but something was telling me to tell Fitz to go run to the store to get me a box of pregnancy test. In my head Im thinking, ok maybe it’ll be negative cause last week it was. But guys, there was literally an urge inside of me to tell him to get one. So he goes and buys a pack of two. He puts in on the counter. At this point it’s 5:20 and I decide to take the test. Im sitting on the toilet, peeing on the stick, you know, the norm. If you guys have ever taken a pregnancy test before, it is probably the most scariest thing ever lol. It’s so nerve-wracking. My hands were shaking.
Negative because it was negative last week. Negative because it was negative last week. Negative because it was negative last week.
BIG FAT POSITIVES. The first one wasn’t even faint. You could clearly see it.
I was right. I was right. I knew it. I was right.
How I felt…
Ok so this is where I get personal and deep…ish. I shared on my instagram when I announced that I was pregnant that my initial reaction for this pregnancy wasn’t the best. It was the exact opposite. I remember sliding the test on the floor, telling Fitz to come up, and telling him I was right and I knew it. He looked at me and said “I’m not going to show you my reaction until you tell me how you feel first” or something along those lines. And I said “I’m happy” And he hugs me and spins me around. I think I might have said that out of the moment. Did I feel happy? I can’t really tell you. But I definitely felt sad, lost, confused? Are those even the right words. All I kept thinking was “No PTO, No short term, No money from me for three months. What are we gonna do. This was supposed to happen around July. This wasn’t the plan? Unplanned baby again?” This definitely wasn’t the same situation with Eli. At least we both had decent jobs right? But I was only 7-8 months into my FIRST NURSING JOB. I could have waited till July to make it. a year?!
I remember for two to three weeks I kept crying. I cried about a lot of things. Money. Stability. I cried about Eli not being my only baby. I cried about being scared. Why was I so sad. Some women kill for this moment, but why was I so depressed. And I don’t like saying that I was, but it’s the truth. It triggered my depression and anxiety and I would cry every time I had to go to work and would just cry before falling asleep. It was literally eating me up. And I am sitting here writing this blog entry and I feel so bad that I ever felt this way about this pregnancy in the beginning, but it’s the truth. And I really want to let you guys know that this happens. That it is reality to some people. We’re allowed to feel sad for things unplanned or things were not ready for. We’re entitled to feel those things. We’re allowed to feel those things. On top of everything, my anxiety for work even before all of this happened was already so so bad, so finding out I was pregnant during a very mentally unstable period of my life was just not good.
So that’s the honest truth. I wasn’t all that happy when I found out. I think a lot of my unhappiness had to do with how unstable my mind was at that time or how anxious I always was and how bad my anxiety was. I was always thinking how am I supposed to care for another human. I’m not ready. My mind isn’t in the right place. It took about another month for my mind to accept that I was growing another human. With a lot of prayers, venting to my husband, and talking to my really close friends, it finally started getting better. Now I am at this point where I get so upset about feeling like that, but my mindset back then was also so different from how I am feeling now, so I don’t think its healthy for me to be so angry at how I was.
Now I am 15 weeks pregnant with a baby girl and we couldn’t be more excited! This pregnancy is going great so far, except for the weight loss and the intense amount of vomiting during the first trimester. Other than that, I’m thriving. Baby looks great. I feel great. Some anxiousness here and there, but Fitz is always super supportive. Eli is excited and I am so so stoked to see him as a big brother!
I am so excited to blog more. I was thinking of using youtube to record this pregnancy, but you all know how I feel about it. It’s very time consuming and I can’t commit to it right now. I want to make this blog more alive, not because I pay for it yearly lol, but I blogging is something I have always loved so why not continue to do it right? Hope you guys enjoyed this post and enjoy the rest of my blog! I promise to try to be really consistent ❤